Find out about all the hiding places he uses and come back to me with definite information.
It is a funny thing, this need to hide ourselves from others.
I sat this morning pondering an email I had gotten from a close friend.You know the kind of friend that speaks honestly and you have to receive it because you know it is done in love.In the email I had been admonished to expand my borders… come out of my comfort zone.My initial response was not pretty.It is amazing how quickly you can send a letter across wires and airspace.Unfortunately, that same technology prohibits the withdrawal of said letter once you have come to your senses.Anyway, I digress… I sent off the letter pointing out all of the ways I have expanded my borders and stepped out of my comfort zone… I will give you a brief glimpse into the letter…
“I have broadened my comfort zone about all I can handle this year.I have actually been nice to people I do not know, and opened my home to those who openly dislike me.I have prayed for those who curse me (as they curse me…), sat patiently (without interrupting) through dissertations on all of my faults – as viewed by whomever was speaking at the time (waiting until I was alone with my Father before exposing the gaping wounds).I have scrubbed toilets at Wherry, cleaned the hair of strangers out of bathtubs I would never bathe in, painted nurseries, rocked babies, been spit up on, provided taxi service to those who needed a ride to church, and even spent time under the pews seeking God for His heart concerning this body you seem tothink I hide from…I have cried with the mourners, rejoiced with the giddy …I have run screaming from my comfort zone this year,- feet set on fire-just because He called me out of it.My pegs have been lengthened, my chords strengthened.If youhave seen me in my comfort zone of late, it is a most rare glimpse you have caught – kind of like a sighting of Bigfoot or the Loch ness Monster.People say these things exist, but I am not so sure…”
As you can see, I was not having one of my better moments.As I recited my perceived accomplishments, typing faster than my sane fingers normally move, smoke lifting from the keyboard as I put on paper what I would not have voiced aloud, I paid no attention to the still small voice that whispered through my spirit.The Spirit’s words moved though me like a wind that twists through the trees… soft, gentle, but somehow beautifully disruptive.Typing faster and louder to drown out the Spirit wind, I stopped only when the send button clicked off in my ears, a resounding Uh-Oh echoing in the pit of my stomach.
I knew that somewhere in cyberspace a mouthy redhead had gone over the edge, and soon a friend would be forced (by her words) to tread that edge with her.
Fools care nothing for thoughtful discourse; all they do is run off at the mouth.
My office silent, I stared at the screen before me.The Wind-Word flowed through me again.Rustling my branches… A small risk…You know I want more… AAAAHHH!Stop it!Whistle, sing, clog… just don’t listen to the wind. (Fingers in the ears do nothing to stop the inner voice)La la la la – la la la la (most effective when done to the tune of the Twilight Zone).Shuffle the paper on the desk, make as much noise as possible. You know I want more… I distinctly hear Charlie Brown’s yell as Lucy pulls the football away and sends him flying.I picture myself laying on my back in the grass, staring at the sky… my posterior bruised, my ego tattered, contemplating the same questions he must have posed, Am I really here again?
I am not an unfriendly sort; I am more the “I like my space” sort.I can stand in front of a thousand people and talk about Jesus and never give it a second thought.But put me in a room with three people and ask me to sit down and talk, my mouth goes dry, my stomach knots, andthe spirit of Lance Armstrong overtakes me and I start looking for a bicycle.
I remember one particular instance where my friend Mary and I were asked to attend a class in Nashville one evening.I was fine with it until we walked into this room full of nice people who actually wanted to speak to me.I practically sat in Mary’s lap trying to find my com
fort zone. I had almost started to breathe normally when the leader said, “Let’s break up into groups of four… do not stay with the people you came with.”
The room spun.
I am quite certain the fingernail scars on Mary’s arm will one day heal, but let’s just say I went reluctantly.My group of four was about halfway up toward the front of the room, and Mary’s was in the back.While I did my best to participate in the group, I found that my one syllable monotone answers did not contribute much to the discussion format.I also found out that nervously rocking your foot back and forth with great fury can actually move your chairacross the floor to the back of the room without ever having to stand, and can eventually put you smack dab in the middle of the group you wanted to be with in the first place.
Anyway… let’s just say this mountain has been one I have hidden behind before.
Please do not misunderstand me.I truly do love people.I try not to sit in judgment, or walk in criticism of others.I know how weak I am, and I recognize my own frailties to the point that I would never want to walk mercilessly through life.It is probably that very recognition of self that makes me want to run from intimate encounters.
What some may perceive to be arrogance is, nine times out of ten, insecurity.We are so afraid of letting someone get to know u
s.We reject others before they get a chance to reject us.We have this tape that runs though our minds telling us, don’t open up… you will get hurt… you will be judged.Unfortunately, many times that is true.You do get hurt.But loving is worth the risk.
What if Jesus had withheld His heart, but gone to the cross out of duty?What if He had done what He had to do, but never touched the lives of the people?What if He had sat down during His forty day fast that preceded His ministry, and said Okay, Father, I will do what you’ve asked me to do.I will fully PERFORM my duties, but I will not love them because You and I both know they are going to break my heart.
Can you imagine the absurdity of a life spent in duty and service without love?Can you imagine Jesus lifting Mary Magdalene from the dirt and briskly saying… “You’re forgiven.Don’t do it anymore,” and turning His back on her hearts greatest need, love manifested?It’s called performance without love, duty without passion. We do it every day.
So, how do we make the decision to live in this land called Vulnerable?The answer may sound way too simple, but when I pray about this very issue in my own life I hear Him say “Trust Me.” (… And Lucy places the football on the ground, holding it with one finger… the c
hallenge clear in her laughing eyes…) Unfortunately, my response to the Father is usually the same…Trust You?Lord, You know I trust You.It’s everyone else I have a problem with…His gentle rebuke is the same… Trust Me.
I may not be the smartest of women, but I know full well what He is saying with those two words.“Trust Me” in God-speak, is followed by the unmistakable words even when it hurts.I originally thought the phrase was if it hurts, but I am quite positive the word is when.It is inevitable.Hearts without walls are subject to the occasional arrow.
I have come to one wall shattering conclusion.My issues with people have everything to do with my trust in Him.Can you say OUCH! Hallelujah!If I trust Him and His plan for my life, I can love you in spite of the risk to myself.Self… oh, here we go…
Job 13:15 “Though He slay me, yet, will I trust in Him…, “(KJV)
Back to self …
And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
We have had the same problem for thousands of years.We see our nakedness and we hide.We see our own vulnerabilities and we jump behind the nearest fig tree.The only problem is, we now do it because of man instead of God.If I let you see my scars, will they be all you see?If the pedestal wobbles, and we topple to the ground, will there be hands that extend to help us up, or laughter that judges?
We all walk these roads.We all ponder these things in our hearts.We fight the urge to open up and draw close to another human being, by denying our need to do so.We do exactly what I did when I heard the Wind-Word shifting and turning in my own spirit… we put our hands over our hearts and begin to dance a dance borne of duty instead of joy.We dance and perform with tears streaming down our spirits.We sing a silent song of desperation as our hearts pound within us.We deny our need for contact by performing to the point of exhaustion.We numb ourselves by doing the right thing for all the wrong reasons.We have become much like Pinocchio, our arms attached to strings of fear; we dance about, silly smiles painted on our faces, when the cry of our heart is… I want to be real…
I want to be real.But what does that mean?The best definition I came up with was “Not fake… without the commitment of fraud.”Can we go there?Can we be who we are without fear?My answer is (Sorry) No.I know the Scriptures say that perfect love casts out fear, but I am not there yet.I am not so sure I will ever get there on this planet.It is going to take a lot of “perfected love” for me to live without fear of letting down my walls.However, that does not mean I will not let them down.I will just have to do it afraid.
I can choose to put myself on that limb if I know the limb is where He wants me to be.
“”Take the thousand and give it to the one who risked the most. And get rid of this “play-it-safe” who won’t go out on a limb.
So, here I am once again, lying in the grass, the football nowhere to be seen.I can lay here fore a while and contemplate, but I do not like ants and various critters taking liberties with my being.Nor do I like the feeling of my skin being parched by the sun.If I stay here much longer I will be red faced and thoroughly chewed up (SELAH).So, I have a choice to make,the question streaks across the sky like a Lobster Shack advertisement at the beach…DO I RISK IT?….. DO I RISK IT? Do I run at this relationship thing full force and take the risk of never even making a connection?Do I move to the land of Vulnerable and pitch my tent on the banks of the River Available?I mean, this letting-people-into-our-lives business can be extremely scary.It means making phone calls I do not want to make, babysitting when I would rather not, listening when I would rather talk, and being teachable when I think I know it all.It means forgiving when I want to hide and lick my wounds.Do I really want to live there again?
I ponder a moment longer, searching the clouds above.In my minds eye I see friends sitting at my table laughing with me.I see Christine standing by my bedside holding Katie in her arms for the first time, bringing me chocolate… just because; I see Dawn standing by the piano, smiling at me, tears in her eyes, as she patiently listens to another one of my trial tunes… just because; I see Anna literally taking the shirt off her back (she had two on at the time) and loaning it to my nine year old daughter so she can wear it to school the next day, …just becauseThen it hits me, all of these just becauses, all of these blessings in my life, they came at a cost, and the cost was being willing to take the risk.They put themselves out there and took the risk of sharing their lives with me.I am blessed because of it.They made the decision that the reward outweighed the fear and that God-relationships were worth it.They Trusted Him and let me in.
I know the answer now.The Wind Word has completed His beautiful disruption, leaving me with the assurance that the risk is His, and love is always worth it.
I hear the faint cry of the commander of an ant army… “Over here!”Followed by the sound of ant feet running through the grass.I have to get up.I rub my eyes and glance one last time into the sky above me.There, upon the cool blue canvas, billowy white clouds shift and roll with the wind. I watch as they take on the fluffy but distinct form of (yes, you guessed it) a football.
Somewhere in the deep laughing part of my spirit, I hear His voice laced with humor say… Trust me?
… Then he reassured her: “Courage, daughter. You took a risk of faith, and now you’re well.”
Barbie Loflin 
Leave a comment